


I Got 99 Problems

by sperrywink



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-11
Updated: 2010-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-07 21:45:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/69550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sperrywink/pseuds/sperrywink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid and Morgan get together after the events of <i>Jones</i>, but the legacies of <i>Profiler, Profiled</i> and <i>Revelations</i> remain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Got 99 Problems

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by coreopsis. All remaining errors and inadequacies are mine.

Derek hung up the phone with a sigh and a chagrined look at his table set for two. Sylvia had canceled their date again. It was the downside in casually dating a medical intern. This made four canceled dates by her and three by him. Offering to make dinner had been his way of apologizing for being abruptly called out of town last time. Tonight, Sylvia had gently pointed out that they had more canceled dates than completed ones, and that they were dating more on paper then in reality. He agreed. He didn’t mind breaking up that much, which he guessed also proved her point. Too bad he had already made dinner.

Derek was putting the wine glasses away just as the doorbell rang. He wasn’t expecting anyone else, so he quietly walked to the door and checked the peephole. Surprised to see Reid there, he masked it before opening the door.

In a relaxed tone, Derek said, “Reid, my man, come in. You’re just in time for dinner.” Reid nervously skittered into the apartment and Derek’s instincts went into overdrive. Reid looked even more haggard than usual of late. The kid was far from all right.

“Morgan, I hope you don’t mind.” Reid wrapped his arms around himself, his eyes scanning the hallway. He was a sad sight huddled into himself like that. “You said if I ever needed to talk?”

Derek’s gut tightened. He closed and locked the door, and then put his hand on Reid’s shoulder, leading him into the apartment. Giving it a light squeeze, he said “Anytime, man.”

When the table complete with lit candles came into view, Reid startled and skidded to a stop. He tried to turn but Derek prevented it- just slid his arm around Reid’s shoulders. “Oh, it looks like you’re expecting someone, I’ll just-”

“Reid. Spencer. My date was cancelled. You’re just in time to keep me from eating alone.” There was no way Derek was letting Reid out of his sight tonight. If it wasn’t already off, he would have gone ahead and canceled the date.

Reid asked, “Are you sure?” and it was the first time he met Derek’s gaze since he came into the apartment.

Derek smiled and hoped it looked encouraging. “Positive.”

Leading Reid to the table, Derek pointed him at one of the chairs and said, “Let me just rustle up the grub now that you’re here. You’ve got good timing, it just finished cooking. I hope you like chicken and dumplings.”

As he went into the kitchen, Derek heard Reid mumble, “Fine, that’s fine.” He took out the wine glasses again. If there was a time a little alcohol might be needed, it looked like tonight was the night.

Derek served up dinner, and as they ate, they talked generalities about the New Orleans case they had just completed. Derek teasingly tested Reid’s knowledge of Jack the Ripper trivia; he wanted to keep it light. Reid looked like he could use a solid meal and once he was engaged by the intellectual challenges, he began eating distractedly.

Afterwards, Reid helped with the dishes and it was almost like being back home with his mom and sisters. Reid was off, had been since his trauma, but he was still Reid. Still like family. Derek wasn’t sure when that had come about, but he liked it. He chuckled and Reid asked, “What?” with a small smile.

Deciding to go with the truth, Derek said, “I’m glad you stopped by.”

Reid’s face closed down. “Yeah.”

Derek sighed and resumed washing the dishes. After a couple silent minutes he said, “You said you came here to talk. I wish you would, Reid. Talk to anyone.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. We’ve all seen it a hundred times.” Well, that was a bullshit answer.

“Sure, with respect to strangers. Seeing it happen to one of our coworkers and friends is different. If you would let us in, you’d know that.” Derek wanted to hit something but settled for washing the plate extra hard.

“I do know that.” Reid stared intently at the countertop.

“But you don’t care.”

“I do. I just don’t know how anymore!” The plate slipped out of Derek’s hand as he jumped slightly. He’d almost never heard Reid raise his voice. Reid now looked worse than when he first showed up. He was agitated and tense, his shoulders slumped and his head hanging down with his hair hiding his face.

Derek found he didn’t need the answers to all his questions tonight. It was enough that Reid was here, had made the first step. He said, “Okay, okay. There’s no magic words you need to know, man. Any will do. So, just, you want to talk, I’m here. And if you just need to hang for the evening, that’s cool too.”

Reid looked undecided and began fussing with the dishtowel. He didn’t look ready to talk, but still said, “In New Orleans? When we were looking for the UnSub in the crowds? I’m sorry for the way I acted.”

Nodding, Derek said, “It takes a strong man to acknowledge that. Thank you.”

“I just couldn’t-,” Reid stuttered out and then stopped. He rubbed his face, getting it wet from the dishes. He tried again. “I didn’t want you to think-.”

“It’s okay, Reid. I get it.” He didn’t get it, at least not in words, but he understood pain so desperate you had to push everyone away to stand it. Putting his hand on Reid’s shoulder again, Derek said, “Come on, let’s see what’s on TV.” Reid looked relieved, yet torn. It was a familiar look these days. Maybe they had been too easy on him, maybe that wasn’t what he needed, but Derek could only bear being sharp with Reid for so long.

They settled side by side on the couch and Derek found an old movie on one of the cable channels. It seemed like a Reid kind of program, so he left it on. He made sure they were touching as they sat. He liked the physical reassurance that Reid was here and safe.

Reid curled in on himself as usual, and it was all Derek could do not to pull him into his arms. He had always been a tactile person and he had fought hard to get that part of himself back after, well, just after. If Reid wouldn’t or couldn’t talk, it seemed like the only option left in reaching him, but Derek didn’t know how Reid would take it. He seemed to exist behind high, prickly walls most of the time.

Throughout the movie Reid twitched and shifted nervously next to him, but stayed close. Derek didn’t pay attention to the movie, he spent it dreading when Reid would leave. He hadn’t recognized, hadn’t named the nebulous fear he’d been living with for weeks, until Reid walked into his apartment and it faded to a small nugget of unease.

As the credits rolled, Reid made as if to get up, but it was half-hearted at best. He didn’t even make it off the couch. “Well, I guess I should go.” He not only looked reluctant, he looked scared.

Derek wished he understood Reid better, but he had figured out one thing. It was past time to scale Reid’s walls. They were obviously keeping him prisoner as much as protecting him, and Derek didn’t want his own unease blooming into fear again. “Guess nothing. You’re staying here tonight.”

“I couldn’t-" Despite the protest, Reid didn’t move and looked entreatingly up at Derek.

Derek didn’t mind playing the tough guy and letting Reid protect his dignity, so with firm resolve, he said, “You’re not leaving.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. Do you want the couch? It’ll be too short or you could share with me. There’s more than enough room.” Derek wouldn’t have normally made the offer to share but, besides Reid being a lanky guy, the closer an eye he could keep on Reid tonight, the better he would feel. He didn’t want to miss his chance to reach Reid simply because he was obliviously sleeping in the next room.

“The couch will be fine.” Reid looked grateful even for that.

Morgan could have kicked himself for not pushing the issue sooner and making Reid come to him. It was obviously past time. He said, “Okay, let me get you some bedding and stuff,” and went to gather a pillow, blanket, and sheets. They made the couch up together and then Derek gave him a spare toothbrush and showed him where the towels were. After those chores were done, Derek simply said, “Give a yell if you need anything,” and went to his bedroom. He left the door open. He didn’t want to hover so early in the game.

Derek dosed lightly as he listened to Reid shuffle around in the other room. Once Reid settled down and the lights were extinguished, he expected to drop off, but his semi-aware state continued. He was glad when he was shortly disturbed by murmurred protests from the other room. After gently waking Reid from his nightmare, he went back to bed, but found himself listening even more intently. When the second nightmare started, he heard it right away. Springing from bed, he ran into the other room and knelt by the couch. He gently said, “Spencer, Spencer, you’re safe, wake up now,” as he stroked Reid’s shoulder.

After a couple moments, Reid woke up. Derek had had enough. He said, “Come on, you’re staying with me.” He hoped his presence would keep the nightmares at bay. With Reid closer, they would at least hopefully allow him some rest. Derek grabbed Reid’s wrist and pulled him up. He began walking backwards towards the bedroom, keeping his eyes on Reid. Reid stumbled but followed.

The tension in Reid’s arm increased when Derek passed the threshold into his bedroom. Reid bit his lip and tugged. Derek tightened his grip in return. “I don’t know what’s going on, you won’t tell us, but it’s obvious you shouldn’t be alone tonight. And, Reid, I don’t want you to be alone either. That’s all this is about.”

Derek tugged back and Reid stumbled over the threshold and into Derek. Derek tightened his arms around him and just held on. Reid took a couple of large gulping breaths, but returned the hug. If it was a little hesitant and awkward, Derek didn’t care. At least Reid wasn’t fighting the contact.

Trying to pull back after only a couple seconds, Reid fought the hug, but Derek held on. Finally, Reid stayed and patted him on the back, and Derek laughed into his shoulder. At this point he didn’t know who was the messed up one anymore. So he pulled back and smiled at Reid, and said, “Right or left side?”

“Uh, left?” Reid played with his hair and shifted his feet. He looked young and fragile and Derek’s heart ached.

Pushing him towards the appropriate side, Reid got into bed and laid down on his back, stiff as a board. Turning off the lights, Derek got in besides him, snuggling close to Reid, aligning their legs and throwing an arm around him. Reid stiffened further, but Derek held on. It took a long time, a good half hour, but the tension eventually leached out of Reid, and he sighed in compliance. Derek took his own deep breath in relief.

As it turned out, Derek had too many unanswered questions to sleep, but he kept his body relaxed. What had happened to push Reid over the edge tonight? And why was Derek so upset about it? He cared about Reid, of course he did, but he cared about Hotchner and Prentiss and he couldn’t imagine inviting either of them to share his bed, platonically or not.

It was a weird feeling, holding a man this way. This was the first time that Derek had been in bed with another man since everything went down with his youth leader when he was a teenager. He’d always thought he’d feel strangled and threatened if he ever was, but he didn’t. It was Reid. Reid was bony, awkward, and all elbows, and he felt protective and worried for him, not for himself.

For the first time he knew he could let it all go. He had faced his demons last fall and they truly were gone. They didn’t have the power anymore, he did. He was a man, in all ways. He could make choices about who he was and who he wanted without that directing them before he even realized it. It was freeing. He just wished he could transfer the same feeling to Reid. He tightened his hold on him and said, “Whatever it is, it’s all right.”

Reid took a shallow, shaky breath and said, “I really don’t think it is.”

“It will be. You chose to come here and not to face it alone.” For the first time, Derek believed it. Believed that Reid was going to be all right.

“I can’t do this every night.”

“You can. If you need to.” Derek was surprised by how much he meant it. However long Reid needed him, he would be there. He knew Hotch and Gideon believed in a stiffer, more hands off approach, but he just wasn’t built that way.

“Your dates won’t be canceled every night.”

“Actually they will be. Sylvia and I called it quits. So I’m all yours.”

Reid gave a watery laugh and said, “That’s not what I meant.”

“Reid, talk to me.”

For the first time Reid turned around to face Derek. He was crying silently and looked wrecked. “And if I don’t know what I need?”

“We’ll figure it out together, man.”

“That’s not helping me now. I need-.” Reid didn’t finish his sentence, just made a frustrated noise, and then kissed him. It was sloppy and wet, and not a total surprise.

Derek pushed the hair out of Reid’s face and held his cheek. He gentled Reid’s kiss, but didn’t stop it. Reid was just pressing his mouth to Derek’s, Derek was the one who turned it into a real kiss. Sucking lightly on Reid’s bottom lip and holding him gently. Derek wanted to show that it was all right. That there was nothing Reid could do that would scare him off. Nothing he could say when he found the words.

When Reid pulled back with a frightened look on his face, Derek just said, “I’m still here,” and stoked his face again. Reid shattered and buried his head in Derek’s shoulder and cried.

Stroking Reid’s knobby back, Derek made those nonsense sounds everyone makes. He would have felt more relieved at Reid’s letting go, but he was unsure whether this was catharsis or just pain overflowing. He hoped it was catharsis. Reid only cried for a couple of minutes, but it seemed like forever. He was soon down to hiccupping breaths and then silence. He didn’t try to displace Derek’s arms as he finally pulled back, wiping his face jerkily.

“Okay?” Derek asked.

“Yeah, I’m just going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Reid hesitated a moment and then rolled away, standing up. He stopped by his clothes before proceeding to the bathroom.

Reid was still a piss-poor liar. Whatever this was about, it wasn’t about going to the bathroom or washing his face. Derek hoped the kid never learned just how terrible he was at it.

He waited until the bathroom light came on and then silently slid off the bed and over to the bathroom. Listening at the door, he didn’t hear pissing or water running, so he slowly turned the door handle and cracked the door open. He leaned against the doorjamb and watched Reid pour vials of clear liquid down the toilet and flush.

He looked up and caught sight of Derek in the mirror. Turning around sharply and blushing scarlet, he didn’t say anything. Derek held out his hand and Reid dropped the empty vials in it. Derek checked the labels and just raised an eyebrow at Reid. Reid flushed deeper and said, “I haven’t-”

“I know. Come back to bed.” Derek didn’t know shit apparently, but he was a better liar than Reid and it sounded good.

Reid studied his face, but Derek kept it nonjudgmental. “Come on.”

Reid took a step forward and Derek backed out of the doorway letting Reid lead. Derek put the empty vials in his bedside table drawer, and then followed Reid into bed, pulling him back into his arms. He’d deal with the vials and what they meant in the morning, in the daylight. Reid came willingly this time. Spooned in front of him, Reid took an audible breath and then started talking. “Tobias? Tobias thought I was a gift from God.”

Derek rested his lips on Reid’s shoulder and listened.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Derek woke still holding Reid tight and with his nose buried in Reid’s hair. He twitched it to sooth the itchiness, but didn’t move away. Despite not sleeping well, he was wide awake now. Reid was still sleeping, unsurprisingly. After talking for an hour or so, he had finally dropped off in exhaustion, nightmare-free.

It had been a tough year. First Elle’s breakdown and disappearance, then his trip back home, and now Reid’s capture and torture. Everyone had been changed by their ordeals, but it seemed like he was the only one who had changed for the better.

Derek still missed Elle. She had been his best friend on the team and it just wasn’t the same without her. Prentiss was turning out to be a good agent and a decent person, but she didn’t have half the joy that Elle used to have.

Derek could get down and dirty with Elle like he could with few other people, particularly his coworkers. They could go to bars and clubs and Elle would be out dancing and shaking her groove thing with him. She was fun and vivacious and a sharp contrast to their more serious and stiffer coworkers.

He was still adjusting to losing Elle, and now here was Reid.

Derek didn’t know if he was strong enough to help Reid through this, which made him miss Elle even more. She had been great at relaxing people and was a sharp, sympathetic listener, able to get people talking easily. Reid needed these traits now, and Derek just wasn’t sure he was the right guy for the job. Oh, he knew the proper things to do. Demand he go to counseling, be upfront with Gideon about what he was facing, all of that stuff. But the nitty-gritty, day-to-day PTSD, he wasn’t sure about. But he wanted to be, and that was the new thing.

Part of it was for Elle. Everyone had missed the depth of Elle’s pain, Reid had come the closest to recognizing it, and he still felt guiltier than the rest of them for doing nothing. Derek didn’t want Reid to feel all alone the way Elle had, nor did he want to carry around the same guilt that Reid did. But it was the other part that was the one keeping him up. He cared for Reid, more than he should, more than he used to. He was in the middle of it, but he wasn’t quite sure he was ready for it, this thing with Reid.

He knew why Reid had kissed him last night, knew Reid had been desperate to drive a wedge between them. Too scared to share his pain with Derek and going for the quickest way to make Derek reject him, shut him down. He wondered what Reid made of his actions, if he truly understood all that was driving Derek. He was honest enough with himself to admit he wasn’t just showing that he couldn’t be driven off that way. Once it started, he had wanted that kiss. Deeply.

Reid shifted in his arms and Derek loosened his hold. Reid settled again and Derek returned to his thoughts. Prior to his molestation (even thinking the word wasn’t as painful as it used to be), he had been attracted to other boys. He had even shared some innocent kisses with his friend Caleb before he was “rescued” by Carl Buford. Afterwards, that was all gone like smoke. Repression was a powerful thing as they saw in their job every day. He hadn’t dwelt on it, because his sex life was fine without men. He loved women, even if he had shied away from long-lasting relationships with them.

Now he had all these new questions. Was he ready for more? Was he ready for more with Reid? (After all these years, was it really a skinny, white, encyclopedic brainiac he was going to lust after?) Was Reid even offering more? No answers had come to him overnight, but he hadn’t let Reid go either, and he supposed that was the truth of his feelings, if he had the guts to acknowledge it.

Reid moved again and then twisted around to face Derek. He was losing his touch. He’d had no idea Reid was even awake. With no other place to put them except around Derek, Reid had his arms twined together in front of him. They rested against Derek’s chest naturally enough, though.

Derek left his arms around Reid, but pulled back slightly. He pushed his night-time musings away, now had to be about Reid and what he needed, not what Derek may or may not want. Reid’s eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, his nose was blotchy, and the rest of his face was pale and wan. He looked like shit and Derek smiled. Because underneath it all there was a peace he hadn’t seen in a while.

“Hey.”

Reid coughed to clear his throat and said, “Hey,” back. Derek had worried he would be embarrassed and tense, that seemed like a Reid reaction, but he wasn’t. He was calm and accepting. It was good. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as Derek feared it would be. Reid continued, “Before you tell me to, I spoke with Gideon in New Orleans. We’re okay.”

Derek bet Gideon didn’t know about the Dilaudid. He didn’t know how to approach that one himself. Biding his time, he just said, “Good.”

Reid hesitated, then said, “I never-. Not on the job. But when we had off, I-. There was too much that reminded me.” Reid wouldn’t look him in the face anymore and his fingers twined and untwined repeatedly.

There were no easy answers for Reid, but Derek knew one thing for sure. “You can’t escape that way.” He rubbed Reid’s back.

“I didn’t seem to have any control.”

Derek didn’t know whether Reid was deliberately missing his point or just didn’t get it, but he wasn’t going to let him side-step the issue now that it was raised. “And you think you have control now?”

Reid was silent. So he had been avoiding the real issue.

“Look at me.” Derek waited until Reid met his gaze. “You need help. More than I can give, you know that. I’m sure you could cite me failure rates and statistics. And it’s not just the drugs. That’s the symptom, not the cause.”

Biting his lip, Reid still remained silent. He looked broken again and Derek was torn. He hated pushing Reid, but it was obvious they hadn’t been pushing him enough lately. Trying hard enough to reach him. Derek leaned his forehead on Reid’s and said, “Help me out here.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Reid whispered back.

“Tell me you recognize your problems. Your real problems. And that you’re ready to deal with them.” It was like pulling teeth, but then most personal talks with Reid ended up that way. There was so much that went over his head. Elle had been so much better at reaching him.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Reid was still whispering.

“And how much of the truth have I had to drag out of you?”

“But I was willing to let it be dragged.”

Huh. “True enough.” Derek bumped his forehead against Reid’s and quirked half his mouth into a smile. “I’ll help however I can.” Reid’s eyes were clear and held his effortlessly until he nodded to blink away tears.

Eventually Reid gained control and smiled back. Barely above a breath, he said, “Thanks, Morgan.” He left his forehead against Derek’s and his eyes drifted down to Derek’s lips and then back to his eyes. He blushed lightly, but leaned infinitesimally closer.

In the half-light of the early morning sun, Reid’s eyes looked fathomless and the blush gave him some color back. Derek knew it was to soon, didn’t really know what he wanted, but he’d always been an action-oriented kind of guy, so he bridged the gap and pressed a small kiss to Reid’s lips. And then additional ones, slightly off-center to the right and left. Reid closed his eyes and responded to each kiss sweetly.

Lightly squeezing Derek’s shoulders with each additional kiss Derek bestowed, Reid’s hands shifted and then slid around Derek’s neck. His breaths were becoming short gasps and, finally after one last kiss to the center of his lips, he held Derek’s head in place and opened his mouth to kiss Derek deeply. Derek tightened his arms around Reid and slid one down to the small of his back as he let Reid control the kiss.

Reid’s tongue tentatively slid into Derek’s mouth and Derek curled his alongside it to welcome it in. Their tongues dueled for long silent minutes until Reid enticed Derek’s tongue into his mouth and sucked it deeply and dirtily.

He knew he should stop this or at least slow it down, but Reid was a surprisingly good kisser and he was tired of over-analyzing all of it. He just wanted to enjoy the angular feel of Reid’s shoulders and the slight swell of his ass and forget everything else. So he did.

Derek concentrated on the warm, wet heat of Reid’s mouth and rolled them so that Reid was slightly underneath him. He dropped one leg between Reid’s thighs and grasped his hip in a loose grip. Reid’s body moved jerkily under his hand, but he guided Reid’s hips into a rhythm with his and Reid responded with a gasp and startled moan that was heavy and sultry.

Their kisses turned frantic and ardent. Reid’s hands were gripping his skull and tilting his head to get the deepest angle possible. Now that they had the rhythm, his hips were moving sinuously and he had pulled one knee up to get a better fit. Derek had often lost himself in passion, but he’d never felt so intoxicated by it. His cock was riding Reid’s hip hard and his hands were now mapping Reid’s back restlessly.

Reid slid his mouth over Derek’s cheek, rasping his tongue through his morning stubble, and then down his neck. He pressed a series of nibbling bites along Derek’s neck down to his shoulder. Shivers traveled down his spine and it was Derek’s turn to moan helplessly.

The sound brought him back to reality. Derek’s heartbeat was hammering in his ears and Reid’s cock was a slender, steel weight thrusting against his thigh. Things were spiraling out of control and the air was so charged between them, he felt he needed to speak up before things went any further. Derek pulled back and held Reid back when he made to follow. “Reid. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Reid stilled, although he was still panting heavily. “I know. I do want to.” His pupils were blown huge and dark, and his hair was a crazy mess. Derek’s hands were still underneath his t-shirt, riding it up to his armpits, and his skin seemed to glow palely compared to the dusky hue of Derek’s forearms. Derek could see the curve of his cock through the loose sleep-pants and his hips were sharp angles arching out. He looked as wild and debauched as Derek felt.

Having no idea what he was trying to say, except maybe things were going to fast for him, Derek said, “I’m just trying to say, this isn’t why I asked you to stay.”

“Do you not want-?”

Reid hadn’t moved, but Derek suddenly felt as if a gulf had opened up between them. Still Reid deserved honesty. “I’m not sure.”

“Oh,” Reid said with dawning realization. Now he did pull away, scooting out from Derek’s embrace. Derek let him go. He knew he had asked for the space, if obliquely, but he hated it now that he had it.

“Reid,” he said, trying to salvage this, whatever it was.

Sitting up and swinging his legs off the bed, all in a rush Reid said, “No, that’s perfectly understandable. I didn’t mean to presume that you wanted or were-, anyway, this was obviously a mistake. I’ll just go. Thanks for listening.”

Derek grabbed for his hand. “I do want to, I think. Just maybe not this fast.”

“You don’t have to pretend to spare my feelings.” Reid sounded resigned and a little angry. He kept his back to Derek as he adjusted his t-shirt back down.

“I’m not pretending. I’m just not ready.” Derek knew what Reid was thinking and he couldn’t blame him considering all the teasing Derek had done about Reid and dating. Hell, he couldn’t explain his actions to himself, let alone someone else. He had no idea where these feelings had come from.

“I don’t understand.” Twisting, Reid looked back at Derek.

“I haven’t since-.” Derek couldn’t finish his sentence. Apparently he could think the words “I was molested” but he wasn’t up to voicing them yet. And here he was congratulating himself on coming so far.

“Oh,” Reid said again. He looked thoughtful, finally biting his lip and saying, “This is all new to me too, and whatever pace works for you, is fine. Or if you just want to remain friends, that’s good too.” Reid’s voice grew uncertain at the end, as if he doubted they were friends to start with.

Moran felt like a dick and, even worse, like the biggest coward there was. This wasn’t Reid’s doing and he was making the kid doubt himself. “Just give me a little time to figure things out, okay?”

Giving him a smile, Reid said, “Sure, Morgan, of course.” Reid then squeezed his hand and Derek hoped it was a sign that all wasn’t lost. Reid took his clothes into the bathroom and Derek closed his eyes and shook his head.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the weekend was quiet. Derek and Reid talked again before he left and Reid said he would talk to a counselor and to Gideon. Derek did his best not to push Reid too hard, to let him direct his own recovery. Derek also did his best not to dwell too much on them kissing. He had his Mom to call and chores to get done before the weekend was over.

They each phoned once, although they talked only briefly each time. Derek kept it short because he didn’t know what to think about everything that happened. He wasn’t sure if Reid was in the same boat or just taking direction from him. He was glad that Reid called, however. Reid sounded okay so Derek didn't worry. Much.

Early Monday morning, Derek put on his sneakers and went for a run in a large park not far from his apartment. The rhythmic pounding of his feet always helped put him in a good zone for thinking. Now he could devote half an hour to him and Reid.

Although Derek was disturbed by the situation with Reid (obviously, considering his virgin routine), he wasn't surprised by it. After Elle left, Reid was his closest friend on the unit, even including his flirting with Garcia. Garcia couldn't relate to everything a field agent went through, like Reid could and like Elle did before him. He took Derek’s ribbing with humor and guts, and Derek had always felt protective of Reid. They had gravitated even closer together because of Elle’s absence.

Derek left the paved walkway that wound through the park, and began following the wooded, hard-packed dirt path that intersected with it midway. It was a tougher run, but he was in the mood to stretch himself today. Plus it had the benefit of being little used, and he wanted the solitude for his thinking.

He liked their increased closeness and had begun looking forward to seeing Reid in the office everyday, although, he hadn't examined those feelings closely before Reid was kidnapped. Afterwards, Reid became so distant and prickly, and every overture he made was rejected. With nothing around him but the trees and leaves, he could finally admit how much that pissed him off.

Derek ran harder.

Of all of them, Reid should have been the one to reach out for help if he needed it. He had seen first hand what hiding did to Elle. Reid still felt guilty for not mentioning her drinking to someone else. To someone who would have confronted her about it. What was he thinking? He wasn't thinking, that was the problem. He was just reacting like last night.

Derek skidded down the incline to run along the creek bed. Except for paying careful attention to his footing, and his usual diligence in noticing his surroundings, he concentrated on his thoughts.

While Derek was proud of Reid finally opening up, he still didn't understand what was driving him. Why hadn’t he come to Derek sooner? And then that morning, was that real or was he just looking for a different escape from his problems? Relationships between field agents could be just as destructive to careers as drugs and alcohol. Now, Derek might flirt with a lot of other agents, particularly the female trainees, but he didn’t let it jeopardize his career. Was Reid protecting their careers the same way?

Derek leaned his hands on his knees and stood there gasping when he reached the paved walkway again. He began walking in the direction of home so that his muscles didn't tighten up. He hadn't really figured anything out, but he felt better. Calmer at least.

When he got back to his apartment, Derek took a shower and dressed in his suit and tie. He holstered all of his firearms and then drove to the firing range in Bethesda. Both Derek and Hotch were competitive and liked having someone to compete against when they practiced, and they had a standing meeting once a month.

Hotch was already there and Derek just said, "Hey." and chose the next range over.

Hotch nodded and continued setting up his next target.

They practiced for about half an hour, switching targets, shooting patterns and firearms. By the time they were done and were cleaning up, Derek's arms were tired, but his mind was made up. Having debated it internally for the last half an hour, as Hotch collected his final target, he said, "Reid came to me."

Hotch pointed his empty gun down as he focused all of his attention on Derek. "About what he went through?"

"Yeah. I think he'll be all right." Derek hoped this was true.

"Gideon talked to him in New Orleans." Hotch began switching clips, replacing the empty one with a full one. He seemed to accept Derek’s analysis of the situation as fact.

"That's what he said. There's been more going on." That got his attention again. Derek had debated whether to mention anything, but he wanted back up. They weren’t going to have another Elle on their hands.

"Oh?" A restrained response from Hotch, but Derek could see the wheels turning.

"It would be best coming from him." Still, he wasn’t going to spill all of Reid’s secrets. He understood the desire for privacy as much as anyone.

"Can he still do the job?"

Of course Hotch would ask that. Ever since Hotch had questioned him in Chicago, Derek hadn't felt as close to him. He still thought the way Hotch had treated him was out of line. Derek certainly wasn't going to buy Reid more trouble than he already had. "Yeah, he's okay."

"Morgan, are you sure?"

"Hotch, I'm sure." Derek looked Hotch directly in the eyes. Hotch nodded and looked relieved. Derek really was getting a work out on his lying skills lately.

They finished packing up, and split up to drive into the office. It was just closing in on nine a.m. Reid was usually in before then, and Derek felt butterflies in his stomach. He didn't know how he or Reid would react.

He didn't need to worry. By the time they got to the office, there was a mad scramble to the plane for an arson case in California. Derek barely had time to pick up his bag from his car before they were piling into the SUV for the trip to the airport. Reid did get a slight blush, but nothing else overt was said or done, as they concentrated on the details of the case.

They hit the ground running, Reid staying at the station to work the victim angle while Derek went to the latest crime scene with Gideon. The smell of smoke and burned wood was heavy in the air. The sharper stench of burned flesh was fainter, but still lingered. Derek concentrated on the case and it was a long, tiring day.

Finally, they had all the pieces they could find, and Gideon called everyone together so they could give the profile. Derek was stunned when Reid used drug addiction as an example to explain why the arsonist was attracted to fire. It looked like this weekend was definitely catharsis. He was also happy to notice the look between Gideon and Reid. Reid hadn’t been snowing him about talking to Gideon. Hotch gave Reid an intense look and then shifted his eyes to Derek, but just wrapped up the session, drawing attention away from Reid.

Derek was definitely not alone in looking out for him.

It was a grueling couple of days going from fire to fire. Derek saw Reid in passing, but they never seemed to have a free moment at the same time. Finally, Hotch got a name- Vincent Stiles. Derek was eager to get his hands on the guy. The destruction this coward had wrecked was obscene. Unfortunately, watching the warehouse go up in flames and knowing their suspect was inside wasn’t satisfying. They didn’t catch him and they lost another innocent man in the process. And then there was the way it affected Hotch. Here was another team member they would have to keep an eye on.

By the time they confirmed Stiles’s presence in the warehouse and wrapped up the minutia of the case to the local police force’s satisfaction, it was the middle of the night and they couldn’t fly out until the next day. They all went back to their hotel rooms to catch a couple hours of rest.

Derek took a shower and changed clothes and then just wandered around his room aimlessly. Clicked on and off the TV. Looked out the window. Lay down and took out his book. Read a sentence or two and then put it down in exasperation. Finally he gave up pretending he didn’t care how Reid was holding up, and went down the hall and knocked lightly on the door.

Reid opened the door almost immediately. He had also showered and changed, his hair was still wet and his clothes were untucked.

“Morgan, come in,” he said “What’s up?” He looked ridiculously happy to see him. Derek didn’t know whether it was for him or just to see anyone.

Following Reid into the room and leaning against the dresser as Reid stood by the bed, Derek replied, “Couldn’t sleep. How about you?”

“No, not really.” Reid crossed and uncrossed his arms restlessly. Derek could relate. It was hard coming down after a case like this.

Catching Reid’s jitters, Derek began fidgeting himself. He uncrossed his legs and then reached across his chest to grasp his other elbow. “You did good with the victimology.”

“Well, it was really Garcia that found the connection. I just forewarned that it would be through the men.”

“Accept the compliment, Reid.”

“Right. Thanks?” Reid looked flustered but even happier.

Derek chided himself for how adorable he found it and said, “So you talked to Gideon.”

“I said I would.” Reid looked serious.

“I know. I wasn’t sure you’d get to it before the case took over, though.”

“No, I went that weekend. He gave me the name of a therapist he trusts.” Reid rubbed his hands together, and took a step towards Derek. It seemed to be an unconscious move to reassure Derek of his veracity.

Now the question that concerned Derek for the immediate future. “And the drugs?”

“You saw me flush them.” Reid took another step closer.

“What about treatment for that?”

Stopping, Reid answered in his lecturing voice. “Well, actually studies show that treatment or AA-type organizations don’t have any higher a success rate than quitting cold-turkey for casual users, and considering my use wasn’t habitual, I’d rather just go that route.”

Derek nodded. “Okay.”

“Just okay?” Reid looked at him hopefully, but doubtfully.

“I trust you, Reid.” And he did. Reid hadn’t shied away from his questioning, hadn’t tried to divert him from any topic. Reid seemed as serious about this as Derek was.

Reid smiled at him. “Thanks, Morgan. That means a lot.” He toyed with his finger which had a small band-aid on it and said, “Do you want to sit? Not that there is anywhere, really.” He looked at the bed and blushed.

Derek didn’t want to sit, he wanted to feel alive and vital. It only took half a pace to bring him directly in front of Reid. He said, “No, I don’t want to sit.” He ran his hands into Reid’s hair and tucked it behind his ears. He kissed Reid chastely but firmly and then said, “What do you want?” He left his hands holding Reid’s head.

Reid leaned forward into his touch and said, “You.”

They made out for long minutes standing in the middle of the room. It was new tilting his head up for a kiss, but the height difference didn’t seem so bad compared to leaning down for a 5’2’’ woman. Derek kept playing with Reid’s hair, he hadn’t realized before how soft and silky it was. It had always just looked unkempt and messy.

Conversely, Reid’s hands traveled across his back. They never ventured further south, as Reid kept his promise to let Derek lead the pace, but they were insistent in mapping each bump and plane. Reid’s long arms had good reach.

The kisses quickly turned as passionate and dirty as they had been the first time. Derek let the waves of pleasure flow over him, until he was panting and out of breath. Reid was equally aroused, making small, little breathy moans every time Derek caressed a new part of his face or neck. They were quickly becoming Derek’s new favorite sound.

Derek tilted Reid’s head and nibbled along his neck, moving up to nip Reid’s earlobe and tease his jaw line with his tongue. Reid let his head be manhandled willingly. His eyes were closed, his eyelashes faint shadows against his cheeks. His tongue peeked out to wet his lips as he tilted his head further to give Derek more room. As Derek continued his exploration, Reid’s hands stilled and just clutched at his back.

Reid was gone, swaying slightly, only his grip on Derek seeming to hold him up. Derek looked over at the bed, and imagined stripping Reid’s clothes off and pushing him down on it, climbing on top of him. The images flashed in his mind rapid fire and while he moaned in desire, they were also a cold blast of reality. He wasn’t ready for naked.

Derek said, “We should stop.”

Answering, “Okay, okay,” Reid leaned in for another kiss, and then another. He stopped then, though, and just held Derek. Derek kissed back each time, but he was glad Reid didn’t push it.

He stood in Reid’s embrace and ran his hand over his scalp, scratching through his buzz cut. “I should go. Get some sleep, all right?”

Reid released him with a small smile and said, “Yeah. You too.”

Derek went back to his room. Leaving the lights off and dropping his keycard on the credenza by the TV, he undressed and crawled into bed. His mind went back to those minutes with Reid in his arms.

His hand drifted down his chest.

Images of stripping Reid down and spreading him out on the bed flooded his mind again. His cock, which had always liked the idea, stirred and hardened when he lazily   
stroked it. It was his mind that had trouble with it although it was acquiescent now that it was just him and his hand.

He imagined Reid’s body rocking roughly against his, Reid’s cock a hard weight against his belly. Reid didn’t have much chest hair, so he imagined a smooth, flat chest rubbing against his. He stroked faster as his fantasy Reid switched places with him and slid down his body and then sucked his cock into his mouth.

With a strangled cry, he came, panting.

No, wanting Reid wasn’t the problem, it was the doing.

 

* * *

 

Derek wrapped up his latest report and saved the document. He emailed it to Hotch and then lifted his arms to stretch out the kinks. He glanced over at Reid who met his look and raised his eyebrows at him. Derek gave a slight nod and they both began turning off their computers and packing up for the night. Prentiss had left a half an hour earlier, she was a fast typist. She had given a cursory look to Reid, they often left together since he typed fast as well, but he had shaken his head that he wasn’t done yet. Soon after she left, Reid had begun shuffling papers, his desk ended up a lot neater, and Derek appreciated Reid’s busy work waiting for him.

As they walked out to their cars, Derek asked, “How about Chinese at my place tonight?”

Reid smiled and said, “Sure,” as they parted ways at Reid’s car.

They had been following a similar pattern for the last couple of weeks. When they weren’t on the road investigating a case, they left work together a couple of days a week and had dinner and hung out. They were up to shirts off in their making out.

Derek phoned in their order on the way home, General Tso’s chicken for him and beef and broccoli for Reid. After picking up their dinner, he arrived at his apartment at the same time as Reid. Reid always did drive too slow.

They ate dinner in the living room, Derek lounging on the couch and Reid sitting on the floor. Reid had taken his shoes off and his argyle socks peeked out of the hem of his pants. Unfortunately, he still wore his tie, which was an ugly olive green and dirt brown affair.

They argued over their latest case and the profile and victimology interpretations. With a laugh Derek finally said, “Fine, fine, she was like the other victims! I don’t see it, but obviously you and the killer did.” He took another bite of his chicken and chewed it slowly. Finally he asked, “So how goes therapy?”

Reid stabbed his fork into his carton repeatedly and said, “All right, I guess.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s hard, but yeah.”

“You know, if you ever need anything.” Reid had been closed-mouthed about his therapy sessions to Derek, although Derek suspected he had discussed them a bit more with Gideon. He didn’t need to know more, he just wanted to remind Reid that he would be there for him.

“I know. Are you done?” At Derek’s nod, Reid collected their cartons and put them in the refrigerator. Reid came back into the living room and sat on the couch with Derek. He rested his forearms on his knees and looked down at his clasped hands. “It’s just stupid. This week I was talking about how much trouble I had during that case up in New York awhile ago, with those girls who were found in the park. Even just talking about the crime scene photos had my palms sweating and my hands shaking. I should be over this.”

Derek put his arm around Reid’s shoulders and pulled him against his chest. “There’s no time limit.”

Reid rested his head on Derek’s shoulder. “Did you know that the average length of time for a course of therapy is just 10 to 12 sessions? I’m almost at that and nowhere near done.”

“The average person hasn’t gone through what you have, man.”

“Yeah, I know. I just wish there was a time limit. Maybe I’d feel like I was making progress.”

“You are. You have.” And he was. He had lost that haggard, hunted look and he was getting back his innate cheerfulness and more playful, if geeky, personality. It was a relief to see, and as Reid got livelier, it infected the rest of the group. They were meshing better now than they had in awhile.

Reid leaned up to kiss Derek lightly, and said, “Thanks for listening.”

“Anytime, man, you know that.”

Reid shifted in his arms so they were facing each other and leaned up for another, longer kiss. He had grown bolder in the intervening weeks as Derek’s limits became more defined and he knew what was allowed. Reid rested one hand on Derek’s knee and wrapped the other behind his neck, rubbing slightly. His tongue was aggressively fighting for dominance with Derek’s and his head shifted from side to side giving his tongue better angles to attack from.

Derek’s tongue fought back, sliding into Reid’s mouth and taking over. His arm was still around Reid, holding him close, while his other hand was trying to undo Reid’s tie. It really needed to come off. Derek had been forced to stare at it all day, it was going to be the first thing to go. Unsuccessful in getting the knot undone, Derek pulled back and said, “Help me get this hideous thing off.”

Reid was flushed slightly but looked down at Derek’s hand pulling on his tie. “It’s not hideous, is it?”

“It’s by far the ugliest tie I have ever seen. Yes, it’s hideous. Now help me get it off.”

Reid loosened the knot, pulled the tie over his head, and looked at it. “I like it.”

Derek took the tie out of his hands and threw it across the room. “Forget the tie.” He began unbuttoning Reid’s shirt one-handed and leaned in for another kiss. Reid helped out by untucking his shirt. He then slid his arms under Derek’s t-shirt and lifted. They broke off the kiss so Reid could take off Derek’s shirt and when he was free, Derek pulled Reid’s shirt over his head as well. Screw the buttons.

They resumed kissing once Reid was clear of his shirt, although it was still dangling off one arm. He shook it off and ran his hands over Derek’s chest slowly. Light scrapes over his ribs and up to his pecs, squeezing lightly. Reid pushed slightly and Derek leaned back as Reid broke the kiss and began biting a path down Derek’s neck. Derek tilted his head back and closed his eyes.

Reid nipped and sucked, mapping out his chest, sometimes sliding off to the side to trace the tattoos on his arms. He never pushed the limits set by Derek’s trousers and all his touches at Derek’s waistband were lighter and smoother. Derek spread out under Reid’s ministrations, leaving his arms spread wide with his hands relaxed. He had never guessed Reid was so good with his tongue.

Finally, when every touch sent a bolt of desire down to his cock, Derek growled and pushed Reid away and over onto his back. Derek leaned over him and kissed him hard, if a little sloppy. Reid fell back easily enough and scooted one leg onto the couch so he was more aligned with Derek.

Now it was his turn to explore Reid. Having discovered how sensitive Reid’s neck was, Derek skimmed Reid’s chest and nipples with his hands, but focused his mouth on Reid’s neck, sucking random patterns there. Reid’s head moved restlessly against the couch and he started making those breathless little moans that were Derek’s favorite.

Focusing his attention just below Reid’s right ear, which was a definite hot spot, Derek gripped his shoulders and rested his body on top of Reid’s. Reid’s moans became louder and more insistent. His hips had been moving restlessly but when they made contact with Derek’s, it was electric. They snapped up and Reid’s whole body jerked. After only a couple minutes of thrusting, Reid pushed at Derek and said, “Wait, wait. Oh, god.”

Derek was panting and his cock was hard as a rock and the feel of Reid under him was inflaming. As long as they could keep their pants on, his fears seemed miles away. Derek leaned up and looked at Reid. His hair was a mess and his lips were puffy. His neck had bright red beard burn and he was panting heavily with his eyes squeezed shut. Derek had felt Reid’s cock but could now see it tenting his pants. That along with his tightly nubbed nipples and he looked about two seconds from coming.

Derek could imagine reaching down and cupping Reid’s erection, but his hand didn’t move. He just waited motionlessly as Reid regained control. Finally Reid’s eyes opened and he rasped out, “Sorry.”

Derek snorted. “It’s not you who should be saying sorry.”

“Someone once told me there was no time limit.”

Derek snorted again. “I hope for both our sakes, there is. There’s slow and then there’s never and I’m hoping for the first.” He couldn’t believe how much he was hoping for the first. He leaned up with a groan and resumed sitting on the couch. He offered Reid a hand and pulled him back up to sitting as well.

Hesitantly, Reid said, “So, I mean-”

Not sure what exactly had Reid nervous, Derek just said, “Yeah?”

“Maybe you should visit Dr. Gertz as well. Separately, I mean.” Reid was again sitting with his hands clasped and his arms resting on his knees. He was looking at Derek this time, though.

Derek turned to stare at the blank TV, and quietly said, “I spoke with a shrink in the fall after everything went down.”

“Well, but you weren’t trying to date a guy then.”

Whoa, there. “What?” Derek turned back to Reid, who was blushing.

“Well, we are, um, dating, right?” Reid ducked his head and peeked out at Derek through his hair. “I mean, taking things slow implies there is something to be taking slow.”

“Reid.” Derek needed a second to think about this. He hadn’t gotten that far in his thoughts about Reid and him.

“Unless we’re not?” Reid looked heartbreakingly unsure now.

Naked was beginning to look a lot less scary than this conversation, but Derek prided himself on not being a coward, so he had to face it now that it was here. Plus, he was savvy enough to know there were right and wrong answers to that question. He didn’t want to hurt Reid or drive him away. If he had to date Reid in order to follow through with what they were exploring, then he would. “No, I think we are.”

Reid beamed at him. It was a startlingly beautiful sight and it took his breath away. Reid said, “Okay, okay,” and kissed him again, just a quick brush of lips.

Yeah, there was definitely a right and a wrong answer.

Derek kissed back. He didn’t regret choosing the right one, but he wished he could end this conversation now as Reid continued and said, “So things are different now. It doesn’t have to be Dr. Gertz, it can be whoever you saw last fall.”

“I don’t think I need to do that, I just need time.”

“Okay.” Reid ran his hand through his hair and looked resigned. Derek didn’t know what else to say. He understood his problem, he just needed to work through it. And they were making progress, it was just slow. He was sure of it.

 

* * *

 

Derek went for another run.

He deliberately started with clearing his mind. He concentrated on pacing his stride and the steady rhythm of his shoes on the pavement. Spring was in the air. The temperature was less biting and there were new buds everywhere. The green of the grass was bright, while the birds were singing cheerfully. Derek let it all soothe him and settle his thoughts.

He had avoided acquiring a serious girlfriend for a long time, but now here he was with a boyfriend. Derek wasn't sure how he felt about that. He cared about Reid, of course he did, and he did want to explore this thing between them, but his feelings were too muddled to be considered permanent right now. And while he hadn't been looking at other people while he had this thing with Reid going on, he hadn't considered the implications before now.

He hadn’t separated his awakening feelings for men from his feelings for Reid and he wasn’t sure he could. He hoped he wasn't just using Reid, using him because he was familiar and safe, but he wasn't sure. He did feel safe with Reid. He knew Reid wouldn't push his boundaries, would let him come to terms with his feelings in his own time, and he liked that. They were friends first. It was reassuring.

Derek smiled at the pretty women and nodded at the men he passed. The women didn't have Reid's lanky form and the men didn't have Reid's large, dark eyes and angular chin. There was some nice eye candy out running, but he didn't want to take any of them home, men or women. So, okay, some of it was Reid-specific, but that could just be the way he was. No matter what anyone thought about him, he had never been a dog. He dated a lot, but he never cheated or lied.

But it *was* the men who interested him more than the women, now. He felt like floodgates had opened in his mind and let all these feelings out, feelings he hadn't even known he had. He could appreciate male beauty in a way he had never acknowledged before, and it was exhilarating. That wasn't Reid-specific, although he was a lot more appreciative of Reid's charms than he used to be. He just wasn't sure how it all fit together.

He also wasn't sure what Reid got out of this whole thing. It must suck having a boyfriend who wouldn't put out, Derek knew it had sucked when girlfriends acted that way. So why was Reid putting up with him? Was Reid just using him to explore his sexuality with someone safe and non-threatening? And, boy, was it lowering to have to now consider himself sexually non-threatening.

And if Reid wasn't just using him? Derek's heart rate increased and his steps faltered. And if he wasn't, well, Derek wasn't ready to consider that yet.

He finished the loop through the park and walked home. He took a bottle of water out of the fridge and gulped it all down looking out the window. He then jumped in the shower and changed into jeans and a t-shirt.

Finally, he sat on the couch bouncing the phone from hand to hand, until he leaned his head back and hit speed-dial two. He counted cobwebs on the ceiling as he waited out the phone ringing.

“Hello?” Hearing his sister’s voice was both soothing and nerve-racking. He needed her advice, she had always been the first person he turned towards, but he didn’t know how to start.

“Hey, Sarah, How are you?”

“Derek! You sound upset, what’s the matter, baby brother?” Sarah sounded fierce, like she was going to vanquish all his demons, the way she kissed his boo boos away when he was a toddler.

“I just. I have something to tell you.” Derek stared intently at the ceiling.

“You know you can tell me anything.”

“I’m, well, I’m seeing someone.” Derek knew he sounded off, sounded unsure, but he couldn’t control his voice. Sarah was safe, she was tolerant and open and loved him no matter what, but it was still scary coming out.

“You don’t sound so sure about that.” Sarah sounded tolerant, but curious.

“No, no, I am.” He was. They had agreed and Reid was happy with it and when Morgan didn’t obsess on it, so was he.

“I can hear the but in your voice from here, Derek.”

There was no backing out now, which was what he wanted. He just thought saying the words would come as effortlessly as hooking up with Reid had happened. Derek’s mouth felt dry and scratchy, but his voice grew steady when he said, “It’s, well, it’s a he.” There was silence on the other end and Derek closed his eyes and rested his hand over them. “Sorry.”

“Don't sorry me, It's Mom that's going to freak.” Sarah paused and then said, “Do you think you've always been this way?” This was why Sarah was his favorite sounding board. She didn’t shy away from what things meant. Derek knew he needed that honesty.

“Yeah, I think so. I think I’ve always liked both, I just repressed it after, well, you know.” Derek hated bringing up Carl Buford. His family was still sensitive about having missed his molestation all those years ago, but it was all so intimately linked in his mind.

“Yeah, may he burn in hell.”

“Prison is close enough.” And Derek believed that whole-heartedly. Believed that they dispensed justice and not vengeance in their job. It was one of the ways he knew he remained on the side of the good guys.

Sarah harrumphed as if prison was still too good for Carl Buford but switched topics to ask, “Does he have a name?”

“Yeah. You met him, actually.”

“Oh, Derek, don't tell me.” Sarah sounded both amused and disbelieving. It was a familiar, warm tone from growing up. Even so, he didn’t think there was any way she could guess about Reid and him.

“What?”

“Well, it was obvious how he felt about you, and since he was the only team member you ever talked about, well, I can guess.” Now Sarah just sounded amused.

“It was obvious how he felt about me? We are talking about Reid, right?” Derek could feel himself blushing and was thankful he was alone. Talk about embarrassing. He sounded like a love-sick teenager. Only his family could reduce him to this state.

“Reid! You mean it isn’t Hotch?”

Hotch? Where on earth did she get that idea? Derek couldn’t even imagine it. They would kill each other in a matter of hours. “Hotch? No, it’s not Hotch, Hotch is married for one thing, Sarah!”

“Oh, that’s right, I think you mentioned something about a baby once. Well, this is all a shock, Derek, how should I remember everything?” Sarah sounded defensive now, but Derek knew it would only take a little slip on his part and she would be on the offensive again. It was the way things worked in their family. He loved the challenge. Usually.

“Sarah.”

“Oh, all right. I thought Reid just hero-worshipped you. He’s a little, well, unique, isn’t he?” Derek could feel himself blushing again and wondered what was wrong with him. It was just Reid, why was he acting this way? He cared, but it wasn’t like he was in love.

“He’s a good guy, Sarah.”

“And that’s what you like now, good guys?” She sounded serious again and emphasized the word guys ever so slightly.

Derek had no answer for her. He thought he liked both in general, but what he liked right now was Reid, unique good guy that he was. After a couple more minutes talking about it, she let him off the hook. And with admonishments from him not to tell Mom yet, Derek was finally able to get off the phone. He sat there for another couple minutes sifting through his feelings, but they were too muddled to get a handle on. But his sister had made him think, had at least clarified his feelings about dating men. He might not know what was going on with Reid, exactly, but something worth pursuing was.

Derek picked up the phone book and flipped to the therapist section. Finding the Dr. Gertz in the right building, he dialed the number and waited for the answering machine. "Hello, Dr. Gertz, this is Derek Morgan, I'm a colleague of Jason Gideon's. I'd like to make an appointment at your earliest convenience. My number is 555-1234. Thanks." He hung up and took a deep breath. What was done was done.

 

* * *

 

It wasn't until the fourth appointment that Dr. Gertz brought up his relationship with Reid, and it wasn't until the ninth appointment that Derek felt he was making any headway.

"So tell me about Spencer Reid." Dr. Gertz was a short, robust woman with curly brown hair. She always looked cheerful, and it was times like this, when he didn't know what to say or when her questions didn't make sense to him, that he hated that.

"What do you want to know?" Derek tried to stall for time as he pondered Reid. Flashes of images came to him, but he still had no words for what Reid had come to mean to him. He sat there on the bronze chintz couch and squirmed.

"Tell me about your relationship."

At least that was more specific. "It came out of nowhere, but it's good."

"It came out of nowhere?" She scribbled on her pad.

Derek had no idea what she was driving at. It had come out of nowhere. One day Reid was like his younger brother and the next they were lovers. "It felt that way. I guess there were signs, but nothing major."

"What kind of signs?"

"We've been closer lately, since Elle. Well, we've always been close. He's been like a younger, smarter brother to me. I’ve always looked out for him." And they had been close, in their own way. Derek loved teasing Reid, but it was the way he loved teasing his sisters and the way they teased him.

"Were you always attracted to him?" Was that where she was going with this?

"Not always. It snuck up on me."

"And is he the first man you've dated?" They hadn't really dealt with him suddenly dating a man after all these years, and Derek guessed it was about time they did. He knew he had been avoiding it, he just didn't fully understand why.

"Yes." Derek could feel tension pooling in his belly.

"How do you feel about that?"

"How do you think I feel?" Knowing he sounded defensive, Derek couldn't help the sharp answer. They were getting too close to something. Dr. Gertz still looked cheerful, the bitch. He forced his hands to remain where they were and to not give away his unease.

"Why don't you tell me."

Taking a deep breath, Derek tried to control his visceral reaction and answer the question. This was why he was here after all. "Scared. Upset. Okay, sometimes. It's Reid, so all my fears seem out of place."

"Spencer isn't a scary person?"

Derek almost snorted out loud. "Reid? No, Reid's not scary."

"So what is Spencer?"

"Comforting. Like family." That was easy to answer, easier than it had been at the start of the conversation.

“You don’t call him Spencer.”

What? “Excuse me?”

“You don’t call him Spencer.” She was unruffled as she repeated her statement, although her gaze was direct on Derek.

“We work together.” Derek had always called him Reid. It wasn’t a big deal.

Dr. Gertz held his gaze as she continued, “So you’re afraid of how it will affect your work relationship?”

Derek had been concerned about that in the beginning, but his fears had quickly been proven unwarranted. “I guess. No, I just call him Reid.”

“It’s a great way to keep him at a distance.” More scribbling on her pad. Derek hoped she wasn’t writing that down, because that wasn’t the case at all.

Reid was just Reid to him. He wasn’t holding Reid at an emotional distance, Reid had burrowed further into Derek’s life than anyone in recent memory. “I’m not doing that.”

"But you won't or can't engage in a sexual relationship with him."

Derek felt defensive about their relationship. It seemed like she was saying their relationship wasn't real, and he wasn't saying that at all. "That's not quite true. Just not all the way."

She flipped back in her notes. "That's what you said when we first started meeting."

It was like being in an interrogation all over again. Derek wanted to snarl. "Well, I was generalizing."

Dr. Gertz settled down again with her hands folded in her lap. "Or that was the way you felt."

"Maybe. I guess." Derek wasn't sure of anything anymore. This meshing of the name thing and the sex thing had him all confused.

"So tell me about that aspect of your relationship. What works for you."

Derek was embarrassed to be talking about his sex life with a woman old enough to be his mother, but he forced himself to answer. It was important that he show her their relationship was real. "Kissing. Touching above the waist."

"But not below."

"It's okay if our bodies touch, through clothes, but deliberate touches, no." Still, Derek couldn't bring himself to say the word dick to her. Luckily she seemed to catch on to his unease with language and wasn't pushing it today. She had other fish to fry.

"What about deliberate touching is the problem?"

"I don't know." The tension in his gut was turning to frustration. Where was she going with this?

"Walk me through the feelings associated with it. Spencer is going to touch you. What do you feel?"

Derek took a deep breath and answered, "Scared. Aroused. Uncertain. Angry."

"Why are you angry?"

"Because it's wrong and I don't want to feel that way with Reid. Spencer."

"The way you felt with Carl Buford?" Dr. Gertz looked as complacent as ever.

"Yes." Derek's mouth answered before he had thought about what he was going to say. He sat back with the dawning realization. Was he really afraid of feeling powerless and dirty with Reid? It seemed so stupid.

He knew his problems with sex wouldn't be magically cured, but he felt closer to solving them than he had in a long time.

 

* * *

 

After that therapy session, Derek tried to call Reid Spencer more consistently when they were off the clock. It made Reid ridiculously happy. He had already been calling Derek by his first name for awhile. Derek felt like an imbecile for not having noticed the change.

Otherwise, Derek’s and Reid’s routine didn’t vary much. Between their cases and Reid’s homebody tendencies, there wasn’t much opportunity for going out. Derek found it reassuring for the most part, discovered he liked the nights home with Reid. It was different than being home with his family, who were all more boisterous, but still had the same quality of closeness and caring. He hadn’t realized how sterile his life in D.C. usually was.

He had also never made out so much in his life, and he suspected Reid hadn’t either. For him, he had been too focused on football and getting an athletic scholarship in his teenage years, while for Reid, he had been to focused on pursuing PhDs. It was frustrating, but damn sexy and Derek finally understood all those women who had insisted on foreplay in the past. They still hadn’t breached each other’s zippers or made each other come yet, but they were getting more reckless about it. The touches were getting more deliberate, and the thrusting was getting more desperate. Derek didn’t know who would break first, he was getting as hair-trigger as the kid.

So, by their first free Saturday, Derek was ready for some action. He liked going out and seeing people and he missed it. Reid was on the couch reading a new text book on schizophrenia. The pages were flipping faster than Derek could see the diagrams. Tired of watching Reid and too restless to do his own reading, he went and got dressed in his tightest jeans and a dark t-shirt and came back into the living room and said, "Since we're taking it slow, it only makes sense to do what couples have done for eons when they're not getting any."

Reid looked up from his reading distractedly and said, "What's that?"

"Go dancing." Derek sat on the couch next to Reid and started putting on his shoes.

Frowning, Reid said, "Actually, for millennia dancing was considered a sacred expression-"

Deliberately in his most exasperated tone, Derek replied, "Spencer."

"Derek-" Reid sounded uncertain, but he did put his book down. He just need some convincing.

"No, Spencer, You need to loosen up and I need more than just sitting at home watching you read a book a minute."

"I'm really not the club type." And he wasn’t, but Derek wasn’t the sit at home and read every night type, and yet he had done it for weeks. They needed compromise and both people to get what they needed.

"It's a date, Spencer. Are you the dating type? Actually, don't answer that. I'm the dating type, that'll have to be good enough for the both of us." Derek knew it was a low blow, more in style with his teasing of last year, but he really wanted to go out, and he knew Reid was just protesting because he was needlessly scared. Knew Reid was afraid of looking foolish or being a wallflower. But it would be all right. This was his scene, he knew how to navigate clubs like he knew the back of his hand, and he would take care of him.

After some more cajoling, Reid finally, slowly began getting dressed, putting on his shoes and insisting on a tie. He looked like he was going to a lecture, not a club, but Derek didn’t care. They was going dancing and they were going to have fun.

He knew some mixed clubs in the area and he felt comfortable going to them. He'd been in the pas to pick up girls, but still. The club he chose was typically loud with strobe lights and heaving crowds. It had multiple bars and two dance floors and was already crowded and jumping.

In his spotted tie and striped shirt, Reid stood out like a sore thumb, but Derek found it ridiculously endearing. Reid tugged on his tie uncomfortably, but Derek just threw his arm around him and pulled him close. Once he got Reid dancing, they would be fine. Skipping the bar, Derek took Reid's hand and led him to the main dance floor. Reaching a less crowded edge of it, Derek said, "Come here." and put his hands on Reid's hips and pulling him flush against him, said, "Follow me."

Reid looked around in embarrassment and just left his hands resting lightly on Derek's forearms. It took a couple minutes and the patience of Job, but Reid's hips began following Derek's directions. Soon Derek had them moving in tandem and dancing.   
It was almost perfect.

"Put your arms around my neck," Derek said into Reid's ear.

Reid did, sliding his hands up Derek's arms, pulling their chests together. He was breathing heavy and Derek could feel Reid getting a little hard against his belly. Reid stared at Derek in wonder with big, dark eyes flashing in the strobes and it was one of the sexiest sights Derek had ever seen. Derek grinned at him and gave his hips a little squeeze. Reid bit his lip in response and tucked his head onto Derek’s shoulder.

They danced through four or five songs like that, held tightly together. Derek had always loved dancing. The press of bodies grinding against one another, the relentless beat of the music. Everyone grooving away around him. He was glad Reid went along with it.

By the end of the fifth song, Derek was getting hard and thinking about taking Reid out to the car and crawling into the backseat with him. He didn’t think he wasn’t ready for that, and he didn't want to be a tease so he leaned down and said, "Let's get some drinks."

Reid just nodded. He seemed out of sorts, maybe he was still uncomfortable. They winded their way through the other dancers and found a clear spot at the bar. Derek ordered water for both of them. He was driving and considering Reid's issues, getting drunk probably wasn't in his best interest right now.

He led Reid off to a quieter corner of the club near the door and leaned against the wall. He took a long drag of his water and said, "Thanks for this. I really needed to get out."

"No, it's fun," Reid said as he took a couple small sips of his water and then played with the bottle and cap. He looked out of place again.

Derek was relaxed and happy, but still wasn’t going to let Reid hide behind pleasantries with him. "You don't have to pretend for me."

"No, I'm having fun, it's just different, more than I was expecting." Reid looked around the club, less uncomfortable acknowledging the crowd then he had been a couple minutes ago.

Finishing his water with another long pull, Derek asked, "What do you mean?"

"I'm usually the guy standing on the sidelines looking in, not one of the participants. It's novel, but good."

Derek grinned at him and said, "Stick with me, kid, and I'll provide you with a world of new experiences."

Reid grinned back. "That's the plan. For both of us, huh?" He looked happy and playful. As happy as Derek had ever seen him, even doing typically Reid geeky things like Physics Magic or trivia games. Derek laughed and leaned closer, stealing a quick kiss, because a confident, assured Reid was a damn sexy sight. “Come dance with me again.” Reid nodded happily and followed him onto the dance floor.

Reid didn’t need to be coaxed into his arms this time, he came willingly and easily. Derek moved in close leaning his head on Reid’s shoulder, smelling Reid’s scent of sweat and citrus. Reid mirrored him, resting his head on Derek’s shoulder, touching his lips to Derek’s neck. They swayed together through the slow songs and the fast ones. Derek didn’t try any fancy moves, his hands just remained on Reid’s hips helping them keep rhythm. Reid had his arms looped around Derek’s neck again.

If Reid shuffled his feet onto Derek’s every now and then, the dancing was worth it.

Afterwards, they barely made it inside Reid’s apartment before they were kissing and Derek’s hands were untucking Reid’s shirt. Derek kicked the door shut and then walked Reid back into the wall so he could press against him hard and heavy. Reid moaned and thrust one of his legs between Derek’s thighs as he sucked on his tongue. Derek grunted in response to the pressure against his cock and jacked up Reid’s shirt, palming his nipples.

Reid jerked against him as if a shock went through him. He was always so responsive to Derek’s touch, Derek felt like electricity was sparking between them, fueling their actions. Maybe it was love because he’d never felt this with anyone else. Nor had he ever felt so okay with calling a halt to sex without being afraid of being less of a man for it. He could revel in each moment, each kiss and neither fear nor plan where it was going.

Of course, it was just as he realized this that Reid whispered, “God, I really want to blow you.”

Derek stilled as his mind went blank. “What?”

Reid seemed surprised by Derek speaking, and by the shocked look on his face, Derek could guess he hadn’t planned on speaking. He was flustered as he started to apologize, “Sorry! Sorry! I didn’t mean-”

Not sure what he was feeling, except that it wasn’t the panic that both he and Reid expected, Derek said, “No, say that again.”

Reid bit his lip and looked at Derek for a few seconds. He was flushed and embarrassed, but he still said “I really, really want to blow you.” Derek’s cock twitched. It had only been him and his hand for over two months now and it was revved and ready to go. It had always been the rest of him holding back, but his mind was quiet for once. No panicking voice in the back of his mind gibbering away about Carl Buford and wrong and dirty.

Switching places with Reid so that his back was now resting against the wall, Derek said, “Lord knows my dick would like that. Let’s see about the rest of me.” If his mind was finally going to get on board, Derek was going to take advantage of it quick.

Still, first Derek pulled Reid close again and kissed him. He wasn’t crass enough to immediately push Reid to his knees, no matter what his dick was shouting at him. Reid moaned into his mouth as he let his hands run over Derek’s hips repeatedly. This was the first time he’d ventured that low and it felt good. It felt better than good, it was as electric as everything else they had done.

Reid finally leaned back and said, “Are you sure?” He looked hopeful but willing to be understanding.

Tired of coddling himself and praying that it was true, Derek said, “positive.”

Reid slid to his knees and Derek’s heart skipped a beat. Oh god, he was really going to do it.

Reid’s hands remained motionless on his hips for a couple of seconds until just his thumbs moved, sliding over the front of Derek’s jeans, smoothing them down on either side of his zipper. Derek groaned and thrust his head back, bumping it against the wall. Derek felt Reid’s thumbs trace another trail before sliding together to meet at the button of his jeans. They unsnapped it and his dick jerked and sprang free as Reid pulled the zipper apart. Derek kept his eyes closed. He knew it was Reid down there, knew it was a man’s hands on him, and it was scary and exhilarating at the same time.

The panicked voice tried to speak up but he mentally shouted it down. He could do this. He had done this when it was wrong and dirty, doing it when it was right and hot should be worlds easier. He was safe and in control now. He could say no anytime and Reid would stop. Reid always stopped when he said no. The voice submitted.

He felt the heat of Reid’s breath on him moments before he felt the hot, moist feel of Reid’s mouth engulf him. He moaned helplessly and his hips thrust minutely. It had been so long and felt so good. And knowing that it was Reid just added to the pleasure. He had nothing to be scared of. He trusted Reid. He opened his eyes and looked down.

Reid’s eyes were closed and his hair blocked half his face. Derek’s cock was a darker weight sliding in and out of his pink mouth. Reid had one hand holding Derek’s cock, guiding it, while the other was holding Derek’s jeans away from his face. Derek moaned quietly and pushed his jeans down a little further. Reid helped and his gaze flickered up briefly before his eyes closed again.

It wasn’t a porn star blowjob, it was fairly inexperienced in fact, but it just might have been the best he had ever gotten. Derek didn’t know if it was because they had waited so long or because it was Reid, but he was ready to come in a few short minutes of basic sucking. He didn’t hold back. With an “Oh, yeah,” Derek came and Reid swallowed.

For the most part.

And then come started dribbling out of Reid’s mouth, and he pulled off and started coughing. Derek started laughing in relief, joy, and embarrassment, and said, “Sorry, sorry! Are you okay?” as he reached down to caress Reid’s face.

Coughing again and swallowing with a grimace, Reid said, “Yeah, sorry. Got away from me, there.” He wiped his mouth and then peeked up at Derek with a small grin which widened into a big smile when he saw Derek’s own.

Pulling up his pants and sliding down the wall until he was sitting on his ass, Derek said, “Scoot over here.” Reid shuffled forward on his knees and Derek pulled one knee over his lap so that Reid was straddling him. Reid kept his groin away from Derek’s and said, ‘Are you sure?”

Derek simply said, “Get over here,” and pulled Reid into a kiss and further into his lap. Reid threw his hands against the wall so that he didn’t over-balance. Derek could taste the bitterness of himself in Reid’s mouth and he licked along the side it, catching the rest that had dribbled out. He continued nibbling along to Reid’s ear until he could blow on it and then whispered, “You were amazing. Thank you.”

Reid tilted his head and his hips gave a series of little jerks, but all he said was, “I kinda sucked.” Derek blew on his ear again, getting another bunch of hip thrusts and some breathy moans for his trouble. He still loved those moans. He hoped they continued when Reid came. He didn’t know how far he was willing to go, but he was flushed with a post-orgasm high and he wanted Reid to share it.

His hand slid up from Reid’s knee to his thigh, and without pause, without thinking about it, he continued over to cup Reid’s cock through his trousers. Reid’s moans grew sharper in timbre and pitch and using the wall, he pushed away from Derek so that he could look down at Derek’s hand. He started a litany of “Oh god’s” and Derek felt a shiver travel through Reid’s body.

Derek said, “Don’t come yet,” and Reid looked at him like he was crazy. Derek laughed again, he was so damn happy to be doing this with Reid, and said, “Let’s at least get your pants undone, yeah?” Derek used both hands to undo Reid’s trousers, and taking a deep breath, slid one inside his boxers. They both watched his hand disappear inside the slit of the boxers and Reid remained preternaturally still as Derek wrapped his fingers around him.

Reid’s cock was slim and long, warm and silky to the touch. His hand couldn’t grip all of it at once, so he pumped his hand once, twice, and then again. Reid released the breath he was holding in a loud rush and Derek almost smiled. This was doable. It was an awkward angle and an tight fit, so he pulled Reid’s cock out through the slit and caressed over the head and then back down the shaft. That got Reid moving and with a grunt his hips corkscrewed into Derek’s hand. He moaned and then managed an, “Is this okay?” and at Derek’s nod, moaned again. Derek held his grip tight and steady as Reid rocked into it.

He watched Reid’s face as Reid’s eyes closed and shudders traveled across his shoulders. Reid looked transported by ecstasy, like how Derek wanted to make him feel, and Derek felt that charge of electricity shoot down his body. He loved this, loved making Reid feel this way, possibly loved Reid. Derek leaned forward and sucked a hickey just under Reid’s ear and with a final, “Oh, god, Derek!” Reid came all over both of them.

His arms slumped down onto Derek’s shoulders and his head hung down, his hair tickling Derek’s face. Derek waited while Reid gained control again, grimacing at the come covering him. Tempted to clean his hand off on Reid’s tie, he said, “You’re lucky. None got on your tie.”

Reid said, “Yes, I am lucky. This tie just might be lucky, too. I’m going to wear it more often.”

Derek tugged on the tie with his come-covered hand, and said “Let’s make it luckier.”

Reid gave him a quick kiss and said, “We can make it as lucky as you want. But, ugh, maybe after we get cleaned up.” He levered himself off of Derek’s lap and kneeled next to him as he adjusted his pants and redid them. Derek just leaned against the wall and did the same. Reid peeked at him and he smiled in return. Whatever it was, it was all right. Reid asked, “Are you staying tonight?”

Derek answered, “Yeah, I’m staying,” and they exchanged wide grins.

 

* * *

 

Afterwards, Derek found himself staring at Reid in fascination at the oddest times. Watching his fingers twitch through some factual recitation, watching his head tilt in studied interest as he watched the interplay between his coworkers. How could he have missed how he felt about Reid before? How could he have missed the way having Reid smile at him made him feel?

He refocused on the world around him more than once to find Gideon studying him with amusement, but he just acted as if nothing was going on. He wasn't ready for a fatherly talk from Gideon and he suspected he would be getting one once Gideon figured out the whole truth.

This distraction wasn’t a problem, didn’t affect his job, until the Baltimore kidnapping case. He asked all the right questions, observed all the right things, gathered all the pieces, but his mind was too full of Reid and his own brimming emotions to put it all together quickly enough.

Just grunting when anyone talked to him in the SUV ride to the plane, Derek took a solo seat on the plane ride home, ignoring Reid's concerned looks and Gideon's more understanding ones. He was too furious with himself, with them, with Natalya, with everything, for conversation.

He brooded the rest of the flight.

With ten minutes left, Derek's hope that he would make a clean breakaway was dashed when Gideon came and sat across from him.

He said, “You did your best.”

If Derek hadn’t been so distracted by Reid, by his sea of emotions, this wouldn’t have happened. It hadn’t happened in all the years he dated women, he could make sure it never happened again. “Obviously, I didn't. It won't happen again.”

“I hope it does.” Gideon looked Derek confidently in the eye.

Derek hated it when Gideon got inscrutable. Still he couldn’t resist asking, “What?”

Gideon leaned forward and spread his hands out. “We're human. Imperfect. That's our strength. You're beating yourself up for not being perfect for once, but you’re a better person for what you’re going through, and that in turn will make you a better, more balanced agent down the road.”

Derek remembered having a similar conversation with Reid right after the New York case and sympathized with Reid's point of view. This wasn't helping. He wanted to be good enough *now*. Still Derek just said, “Yeah, okay.”

Gideon smiled knowingly and replied, “Just don’t make any rash decisions.” He patted Derek on the knee and went back to sitting with Reid for the landing.

Derek managed to avoid both of them as they disembarked and was never happier for having his own car with him. He left them with a casual wave and drove home. Feeling too worked up to sit around the house, Derek went for a run. He didn’t think about anything. He pounded his anger into the pavement until the physical exhaustion could overcome most of it.

When he arrived back at his apartment, Reid was sitting by the door waiting for him. He walked past Reid and unlocked the door. He went inside and just left the door open for Reid to follow. He wasn’t in the mood for pleasantries. Getting two bottles of water from the fridge and handing one to Reid he said, “I’m not good company tonight, man.”

Reid took the water, but just shuffled it from hand to hand. He said, “I know. I wish-. None of us saw through Natalya's act.”

Derek clenched his fist around the water and said, “None of you were doing the victimology on her.”

Looking at him earnestly, Reid said, “But we all got the case facts from her. Got our starting point of view from her and didn't question it until it was too late.”

Smiling grimly down at the floor before looking back at Reid, Derek said, “I knew something was off, Reid, but I didn't put it together in time. I was so damn distracted.”

“I don't understand.” Derek could see that he didn’t. Didn’t understand what Derek had been going through the last couple of weeks. Their relationship had grown deeper, more sexual, but they hadn’t talked about it before now.

“You, Spencer, I was distracted by you.”

“I wasn't doing anything.” And he hadn’t. They were both careful how they acted at work and were dedicated enough to concentrate on work when they were there. Derek was the one with the problem.

“I know. god, I know. it's not about you, it's about me. About the way I feel.” Finally Reid clued into what Derek was carefully not saying, Derek could see the realization spreading across his face.

“How, um, how do you feel?” Reid pushed his glasses further up and nervously crossed his arms, the water bottle forgotten in one hand.

Derek felt exposed. “Don't go there, Spencer.”

“I'm not. I just. I'd like to know.” Usually Reid didn’t push things, but he looked serious tonight. Derek didn’t know if he was ready for this conversation, for whatever Reid would reveal, on top of everything else.

Trying to divert Reid, Derek said, “Can you honestly say-”

“Yes.” Well, that was quick and succinct. Derek was at a loss.

“Spencer.”

“I’m in love with you.” Reid had never looked so confident, not even when he was quoting some statistic or passage from a book. His arms dropped from their defensive posture and his whole body language opened up.

Still, Derek could hardly believe it. “Since when?”

“Since you said I was Lila Archer’s hero.”

Well, that was specific and, god, so long ago. “Spencer, that was over a year ago.” Derek thought back over the last year. He and Reid had grown closer, but there was nothing in Reid’s behavior that would have led Derek to think he was in love with him. Maybe the kid was better at lying than everyone thought.

Looking both defiant and unsure now, Reid said, “Well, it’s not like I thought there was a chance before now.”

Derek didn’t bother answering the obvious. He knew what all of his distraction and fascination with Reid meant. He might have been avoiding acknowledging it, but now that it was here, yeah, he knew. And when he looked inside, his confusion settled down and his anger dissipated. He was going to follow Gideon’s advice and let himself be the best person he could be. “I love you, too.”

Reid beamed and Derek said, “Come here,” and pulled him into a kiss.


End file.
